I used to believe I hated myself. And that made me assume others did too.
But I recovered… So I thought. I only covered up pain, a temporary remedy. It was senior year of high school. I was taking DE classes and spent my days at a community college receiving college credits before I gained a high school diploma. I had, maybe, 3 close friends. My sisters were kind but had their own lives to lead.
One night, I went to the kitchen to do I don’t know… I ended up taking a small knife out of the kitchen drawer. You know, the ones next to the butter knife and grandma’s silver serving spoon? I picked up the harmless blade and raised it to my throat to feel the coolness of the edges against my brown skin. I pressed it further until the cool mingled with my body heat. It stayed.
How would my family feel? Sure, they loved me but that wasn’t enough. They didn’t know how much I wished to be someone else, how much I longed for a different life, a different school, or to just start over. But I couldn’t talk to them about that. They wouldn’t understand. And my “friends”? Man, they’re everything but. Everyone would be better off without me.
I made myself feel all of it: the boy in 9thgrade who called me a hippo, the teacher made fun of my stubborn stutter, my classmates who assumed I was mean because I didn’t share my test answers with them. Until tears reigned in place of joy.
Then, I let go. Only because my mother asked for me. I don’t remember exactly what she wanted but I know she wanted me. And that was enough.
In retrospect, high school wasn’t as bad as I made it (add emphasis to “I”). But when you’re 16 the smallest things are magnified. Because a few lies were thrown at me by people who believed lies about themselves, and because I didn’t have any truth to combat those fallacies; I was left to believe them. Years of an absent father can cause any daughter to search for validation in lesser things. So, I chose to be validated by other people, which never sufficed…
See next week’s blog for Part 4! Who are you becoming? Comment below.
Keeping Being Honest.