I Love Him But… Part III: For the Girl Who’s Fiercely Independent

This is the third and final installment to the “I Love Him But..” Series. In this piece I address the reasons, questions, and musings of a girl who’s fiercely independent but desperately desires an understanding of a healthy marriage.

Warm smells and smiles greet me as I walk through the doors. The sweet sound of babies cries, laughter, and singing caress my ear as the familiar smell of fried chicken and baked mac and cheese beg my nostrils for attention. Boxes of pizza and cups of Kool-Aid (red flavor) line the counter tops. Slang of old and new school mingle together. Joy of child’s play and grown up’s business reside. As I grab a seat and set my laptop, pen and pad down a slight sense of dread overcomes me as I face the truth. My hostess and I start a conversation about hair while we wait for the main conversation. I came because I wanted some clarity in opposition to my so-called truths.

I decided to interview the couple after an excerpt I read in a creative writing class one day. The goal of the exercise was to find a quote from any book and relate it to your personal life. The quote was about a Roman civilization dying out due to (possibly) the lack of women. The idea of relationships vs procreation and men roles vs women roles immediately tugged at my imagination. I gathered my thoughts in a think-tank group catered to non-fiction writers. It took all but five minutes to get my thoughts together and participate in a free write (the kind of writing I love to hate). In protest, I swiftly wrote down my musings, not focusing on a particular destination, however, I ended up with a page and a half on the marriage my Pastor and his wife share. Honestly, I’ve been observing them for a long time, how they interact with each other and others around them. My page-or-so free write highlighted the historical struggle women face due to a dominating male counterpart, and how that typical struggle isn’t seen in a healthy marriage such as the one I’ve been observing. I have a peculiar look into their everyday life thanks to their open door policy (only a few have that privilege!) that I’ve been offered. After the free write I decided to interview them.

It reminded me of an episode of the Heather Lindsay Show I had the pleasure of watching a week before. She featured two young women who had been married to their husbands for at least four years or more. One woman spoke about how fiercely independent she was. She explained one event of how her, then boyfriend, tried to take her trash out. She lived alone and he, being a gentleman, wanted to do what he could to help out. She became extremely defensive and refused to let him do it. This, for her, meant allowing him to do something for her which she was taught never to do. In her eyes she didn’t need a man for anything, and she didn’t want a man to think so either. She went on to talk about her marriage and how God replaced her selfish ways for selfless behaviors.

Throughout the episode I found myself becoming angry at the whole idea of marriage. I don’t fully understand the purpose of it, but I didn’t expect to get so angry by just watching a topic on it. The women said they were happy and learning about the joys of submission which I speak about in my other two posts “I Love Him But Do I Have to Submit?” Part I and Do I Treat Her Like Trash? A Man’s Perspective: Part II. They were honest in explaining the learning curve they needed, and genuine in telling their experiences. But, I saw women who were deprived of their rights, devalued by their men and just outright needy. And that’s crazy to me because they never said those things. Not once did they mention a depravation, bondage nor slave-like practices. Therefore, I had to be projecting my past experiences onto their stories. So, I wanted to hear it for myself: the truth, no strings attached, minus the sugar coating, without comfort.

Visit Part I “I Love Him But Do I Have to Submit?” and Part II “Do I Treat Her Like Trash: A Man’s Perspective” of this series, where I go in-depth about the interview with the couple. It’s really dope!


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