Honestly, sometimes I don’t want to make new friends. People are inconsistent and subject to change at any moment.
And I don’t know if I’m ready for that level of rejection again. I think its a combination of my insecurities and past experiences.
Let me explain, I have always been quiet and as a result found myself alone. When I was younger it was because I didn’t have many friends. Now I know its because I relish the company of myself above all else. And it’s this charade of in-dependency that plagues me most. Tall-tale attributes of an introvert are shy and lonely however that just isn’t true.
In fact, inter-dependency is what I actually crave. What my past taught me is true: relationships are sticky situations. But that doesn’t mean I should avoid them.
The beauty of interdependence is that it doesn’t rest solely on me – it requires another.
I tend to put on airs as if I have it all together and I don’t need anyone’s help. But the only problem is that it isn’t true. To me, ‘needing someone’ is a sign of weakness. And I’m not just talking about relationships, friendships as well.
I want to be friendly but not vulnerable. Because vulnerable=weakness.
And its the combination of these beliefs that leave me wanting. And as much as it contradicts my so-called beliefs I know God has called me to something greater than a life full of me.
Since day one, He told me that I wasn’t any good alone. Genesis 2:18
Then, He said I needed friends to improve. Proverbs 27:17
He whispered to me that two are better than one. Ecclesiastes 4:9
Truth is, relationships are what drives me. I wouldn’t be who I am with my specific proclivities, personality and perceptions if not for the people who matter most to me.
I may not be the best communicator or conversationalist. I may not be the life of the party but I at least show up.
And that’s the hardest part – showing up.
But (I love when I see this word. It always means a change is coming!) I am too young to be defeated by life already.
So I choose to be an introvert who possesses an extrovert’s attributes, a flawed person seeking out other flawed persons. I choose to view relationships as a beautiful exchange. Because ultimately, we all need someone.